As owners of Turkish Vans will be aware, a Van is never one to let an opportunity pass by. At 5 o'clock one Monday morning, while it was still very dark, one of our neighbours was preparing for his weekly trip to the other end of the country to work. Busy loading his car with his bags, he failed to notice a white and ginger intruder slipping through the front door into the dimly lit hallway. An hour or so after he had left, his wife was woken by their daughter shouting, "Mum, Mum, Spike's in my room." Must be having a nightmare, thought her mother. But no, on investigation, there sitting on the girl's table, cleared now of all her loose-leaf school notes - girls should keep them on the floor, shouldn't they - sat You-Know-Who, busy licking himself prior to taking a little nap.

He was firmly told that he was in the wrong house and definitely the wrong bedroom and would he please leave by the way that he came in. As he did so, he turned to look at them all, as if to say "Shouldn't I get breakfast before leaving? It's cold and still dark out here - you're all up, so it wouldn't be any bother." No, Spike, definitely no.

Spike has got frogs "sorted" so we try to keep him away from them. Frogs, after all, are useful in the garden, which is more than can be said about... But one day, while he was snoozing as he supervised some gardening, a frog took action to avoid the gardener, and managed to land on Spike; it was on a white part - not a pretty combination. Before Somebody had got his wits together, the frog had moved on and the gardener thought that it was time to pay some very close, diversionary, attention to Spike. Better luck next time, Spike.

Spike has spent many hours this summer telling our son what size holes he needs to leave in the dry stone York walling he is building -just right for storing corpses etc. Tim tells him that cats should be seen and not heard and to keep his views to himself, because otherwise he might find himself the part of the wall that lies beneath a particularly large stone. Or even worse, there would be no first breakfast for him at 6.45 on weekday mornings when Tim leaves for work.

Spike's watch seems to run a little fast when breakfast time is approaching and he often sits on the sill of the window on the half landing - the acoustics are good from that spot - loudly telling porkies about how late it is. However in his enthusiasm, he forgets that a large vase lives on that sill and that vases don't bounce. So it can be the case of catching the spinning vase at 6.30 in the morning. Not the best time to practice one's juggling skills.

If there's a Van about, don't offer to look after a house with security lights when the owners are away - Spike caused a scare when he activated some lights at 3.00 one morning. He'd better watch out or he'll be nicked. "Is this your white Van, madam?" "No, certainly not."

The floating puffball, as one of our young visitors called him, is permanently out visiting, either the neighbours, the stables or the park. "Better not get into trouble, Spike. You know how much you enjoy the V.E.T." Not forgetting how much they enjoy seeing you!! Gauntlets ready. It's that cat again.

Spike's party trick at the cattery this year was an exercise in dexterity. The cat biscuits in the adjacent pen certainly looked appetizing to You-Know-Who, so he reached through and knocked them onto the floor and then enticed the goodies through the netting with his paws. Gill, hearing the noise, thought clumsy cat, and refilled the bowl. When this happened a second time, Detective Gill did some investigating - "Ah, Spike is in the next pen. Case closed." "It wasn't me, Gill. I'm a good boy." Now, that's enough porkies for one day, Spike!

With so much rain recently - over 9 inches in our partially finished pond, soggy Spike drips in through the front door. Rain water does wonders for his coat, but why do Vans leave their tails dangling in the dirtiest, wettest gutters for quite so long? Why do they have to be out in the heaviest rainstorms; so heavy that one day our area had a special mention in the weather reports - fortunately Michael Fish didn't mention the Van in the middle of it. But then he wouldn't, would he?

Spike says that he might try out the Millennium Wheel for a lark - and that's not the singing variety, in case you wondered. Are any other Vans prepared to join him? Oh, it will cost you, Spike.

Happy Christmas and a Vantastic New Millennium to all Vans, non-Vans and the kind carers who run so many errands for them.

Rachel and Bob Adams

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